So, here's my story:

I'm not a good artist and I don't pretend to be. I just do my best because it's what I enjoy. Even if my best is extremely limited by medical conditions at the moment, I can fix that and I will practice harder and draw more. It's what I want to do with my life.

Choosing art was a very impulsive decision. I've always been drawing; often got in trouble for drawing in class and not paying attention all my life. But most of my life I was grooming myself to be a singer. Broadway was the dream. My dream role was Carrie from Carousel.
And then as I was nearing my belated high school graduation, I realized: that wasn't what I wanted to do anymore. I have a lot of reasons for leaving music behind. I miss it sometimes; being on stage and just singing my heart out. But I have never, EVER regretted my decision.
At the time, I was friends with ~nakira. I visited her at college, MCAD, under the pretense of visiting potential colleges. I didn't expect to fall head over heels in love with the school.
So I thought, "Huh. I can do this art thing."
I worked my ass off. I worked hard on a bare minimum portfolio. I got my acceptance email on Thanksgiving (best ever), and danced a butt wiggle of joy. I was so excited. I had a new dream! I was going to work hard and be a new person and be surrounded by art and artists.

I got to my first semester, excited to be on my own. Except I didn't realize at the time that I wasn't ready. I had a lot of things within myself holding me back that I wasn't even aware of. And then I looked around at all those amazing, gorgeous, talented artists, and realized that I was about two inches tall in comparison to them. I hadn't put nearly as much time or effort into learning art, because I had never really considered it as a career path. Everything fizzled out. And due to depression exacerbated by ADHD and a popped bubble, I flunked out.

I'm coming clean about that.

So, it's been two years since then. I miss MCAD like crazy. I hate myself for not realizing and doing so much that would have helped me.
But my resolve has only strengthened. This IS what I want to do. And my dream's the biggest: I want to be a Disney animator. I love studying art and looking art and critiquing art and enjoying art and I love artists and their projects. I love it all. Yes, it's taking me a lot longer than most people, but at least I haven't lost sight of my goal.

Unfortunately, I hold myself back. I used to draw non-stop in high school, and these days I'm lucky to get a few sketches done every few months. I'm too afraid, I think. Not to mention my depression has kept my from moving forward and getting myself off my ass, not to mention my severe ADHD keeps me from getting any work done. But it's mostly me. It's taken me these past two years to finally accept that I'm a really mediocre artist, and to be okay with that. Not that I ever wanted to be the best or anything - I just want confidence. I want to look at my work next to someone else's and not just see negative things in mine, not just see how my work is so much more juvenile and crappy compared to theirs. One step at a time.
Wherever I go, Disney or not, I will work hard. I know that I'll have to work harder than a lot of my colleagues because I'm not overflowing with talent, I can't see things the way they do. I'm okay with that. I also finally remembered, artists need help too. Artists are always learning. I keep expecting myself to be perfect the first time, and I'm never going to be, because NO ONE is. Artists need references too. And so I no longer feel shame in that I will probably need reference, a lot.

Right now, I'm looking at schools in California, if I don't go back to MCAD. This is a daunting prospect. I was born and raised on the East Coast, and I love the area where I live. And I get so attached to places. But sacrifices have to be made.
And I'm excited. It's terrifying but exciting. I'm finally getting back on my feet, at least emotionally and about this subject, and taking steps. I think I'll find a good school for me, I'll do whatever it takes to get there, I'll work my ass off, I'll ask questions, I won't be afraid to ask for help. And I'll push myself to always do better and work harder, and I'll push those around me to help and push me.

And maybe one day, I'll be wearing metaphoric Mickey ears.




Oh god help me I've gotten addicted to stamps. CLICK ON THE STAMP BELOW TO SEE ALL MY STAMPS AND CLUBS...